Negotiations.

Nothing makes me feel more accomplished than surviving a hot summer run. I had forgotten how much this weather is the reason I love (and sometimes hate) running. Around 3 p.m. I decided to lace up the running shoes and go to the gym. I put my headphones in, started rockin' out to get myself pumped for it, and exited the front door of my residence hall. On the grassy quad, a group of guys was playing baseball, there was a decent breeze blowing, and even a few passing clouds. Observing this scene, I thought, "hmm, maybe I should just stay out here. So I took off toward parts unknown in Uptown New Orleans. 

Running when its hot is a test of what you're made of. You have to start, which is half the battle, get into something that resembles a pace or rhythm, and then you have to keep going until you can't go anymore. Things started off relatively well, as I leapt over sidewalk cracks in front of enormous Southern mansions draped in shade by old oak trees. For probably the first 15 minutes, you might have seen me and thought to yourself, "wow she's sweaty, but it looks like she is enjoying herself!" I would have agreed with you. 

But then I turned a corner. I reached Magazine Street, made a right, and all that lay ahead of me was blazing sun, cars, and open stretches of treeless sidewalk. I could have stopped. I wanted to. But instead, I turned up my iPod, wiped my brow, and dug in. Sweat dripped mercilessly into my squinted eyes as I looked for a place of refuge. I hit the corner of Webster Street and found myself in shade again, though I felt as if I had just run through Dante's ninth level of hell. By the time I made it to the corner of Calhoun and St. Charles, where Loyola is located, every part of me was screaming to stop, so I walked the last block and entered my hall again, soaked in sweat and feeling as though I had just won Olympic gold. 

I forgot about these runs, these negotiations with my body and mind to keep going, which first began in Richmond, the birthplace of my love for the hot run. Questions rip through my brain, can I keep going? Can I make it one more block? Can I keep this pace? And, when all the answers to those questions are yes, the world is my oyster. When the answers are no, it can be downright depressing, but all the more encouragement to go out and try again.

As I struggled through the 90-degree, unforgiving afternoon today, I thought about how much of my life is about negotiations right now, some literal and some mental. In the literal sense, Amy (my co-intern) and I negotiated with our supervisor for some additional compensation yesterday, as we came to realize the staffing changes and workload in the office were going to differ from what we anticipated. It was nerve-wracking and challenging, but the conversation went great, and I am happy to be part of the minority of women, according to research, who ask for more when they think they deserve it. I am also mentally negotiating what I want for myself, my life, and my career. Student affairs has had its ups and downs for me over the past four years, and I am coming to a crossroads where, next year, I will be making important decisions to shape my path toward the next phase of my life. I don't know what that will look like yet, but I do know that I am not willing to negotiate my quality of life, happiness, or expectations just to "do" the next job in the march through this profession. I will be looking for a rounded package of things that will make me happy at work, and allow me opportunities for growth, challenge, and development, but also a place that won't require me to negotiate who I am as a person or professional. As I grow older, I have realized that these things are off the negotiating table for me; who I am, what I need in my career to be satisfied, and happiness in my life. 

It's likely that the next year or so leading up to graduation is going to be like one long, hot summer run to the finish line, where I'll be mentally battling all of the questions that plague my overly analytical mind. But I plan to keep pushing to the next block and going as hard as I can because a) I know I can make it and b) I always feel better and happier when I do.