The Young Adult-"Real" Adult Tug of War

Being 26 years old is like straddling a great divide, with one foot planted in youth, the other struggling to find balance in adulthood. It is a unique time in life, where my mid-twenties compatriots and I are still somewhat able to live double lives. But in subtle ways, I get the impression that my time as a divide straddler is dwindling, that I no longer will be able to do some of the activities I love with the vigor of my teens and 20s. This is a difficult realization to make, and it comes from a number of factors. So fellow mid 20somethings, commiserate with me for a few moments on three major realizations that the march toward 30 (gulp) has brought to life.

I am comfortable with my body, just in time to notice its small failures. Perhaps one of the most difficult things about adolescence and young adulthood is the ongoing battle with the mirror and scale. We are bombarded with messages from every cultural direction, telling us what to look like, what to eat, how to dress, what kind of clothes we should buy, and how we should present ourselves to the world. Robert Kegan, a psychologist at Harvard, says that this concern with the other, the definition of self through the lens of everyone else, is a hallmark of young adulthood. The stress of conforming to societal ideals about appearance, and its debilitating effects, are often seen most clearly in college students, who struggle mightily with competing messages of "be yourself" and "be like everyone else." I am happy to say that, 5 years after college, I struggle with body image less and less. And, surprisingly, I have found that the less I worry about looking and being perfect, the better and more lovely I feel. Ultimately, that self-esteem struggle of the 20s causes major unhappiness, and a complete inability to see oneself clearly. The distance from college has helped me let that go.

But, the trouble lies in the fact that, as I have grown more comfortable in my own skin, my body has in some ways begun to show the signs of betrayal. I can't run long distances the way I used to. It takes longer to recover from physical activities. I feel the effects of two or three beers the next morning. I see small signs of aging in the form of wrinkles and gray hair. I'm comfortable with my appearance, but also have to begin confronting the inevitable changes that come with getting older. Scary.

Some things are funny, and some things are not. Perhaps also related to the stage of life where definition of self is largely external, I have found that the older I get, the less tolerant I am of ignorance. Gone are the days where I'd thoughtlessly laugh at people who make hateful, sexist, racist, or toxic comments disguised as "jokes." I can't pinpoint exactly when this transition took place, but since it has, the fake laughter has stopped. This can be quite awkward at times, as there are many people whose only means of humor is at the expense of others. What is even more awkward is admitting to myself that this is part of who I am now, and that may mean that acquaintances of the past no longer have a place in my life. These feelings extend not only to the ignorant jokers, but also to people who begin stories with "This might be racist, but" or "I am not sexist, but..." If these phrases are necessary to tell a story or explain a point, chances are what's being said IS racist, IS sexist, is offensive. My tolerance for such interactions has swiftly vanished in my journey toward 30.

We don't have forever. Being 26 comes with a lot of birth-life baggage. Friends are getting married and having children. Elderly relatives pass away. Twenty-somethings are caught in the middle, pulled roughly in both directions. For me, this has been one of the greatest struggles of my mid-20s; constantly feeling as though I have to defend my position- in a long term relationship, focused on my career and my own growth, content with the present- from the questions and remarks on both sides. Suddenly, at 26, my marital status is of great concern to my older relatives (and sometimes, to people I've just met), whether I am renting or working toward purchasing a house changes opinions, and social circles are divided between singles, couples, and families. I have to admit this is part of being 26 that is most complicated; I know I won't be here forever, but I also know I like where I am right now and find myself actively resisting external forces propelling me to make decisions before I am ready or based on what everyone else my age is doing.

I am sure there are many, many other aspects of the mid-20s worthy of discussion here. Perhaps this is just one of a multi-part series of reflections about what it means to be young adult in 2010. I am curious about whether others nearing 30 are experiencing similar or different realizations. I'd be delighted if you'd share them in the comments.